Download Knightley's pancakes

DVD piracy has nothing to do with Johnny Depp mugging like Keith Richards and Keira Knightley pushing up her corset and hoping for the best.

If you download or purchase a pirate DVD you threaten the livelihood of billion dollar corporations. Thanks to you, the super-rich will no longer be able to buy townhouses in Hampstead or rent a small West Indian island for their wedding vows. It’s a terrifying thought.

If you believe the propaganda spun before every film, obtaining a pirate DVD transforms someone with time on their hands into a modern day Kray. All us squares who pay around £20 for a DVD (they cost about a penny to make) are forced to sit through some pretty laughable fear-mongering. You can wave your remote control all you want….the DVD does not permit you to fast forward.

One such insight involves a morbidly obese blacksmith (because pirating makes you fat) branding illicit DVDS with a hot poker. Is this how DVDs are pirated? I thought they just connected two DVD players with a scart lead. Looks dangerous. Let’s hope they have the appropriate accident insurance. Otherwise someone might call Injury-lawyers- 4-U.

Obviously you or I have purchased or rented our DVD so they are preaching to the converted. No self-respecting pirater would duplicate this drivel. Maybe the answer is to make DVDs affordable rather than labelling those who download or buy pirates as the next Tony Soprano (Subliminal message: Seires tsal eht daolnwod).