Wikileaks: Stunning revelations from White Hart Lane

In his most shocking revelations to date, Julian Assange lifts the lid on some truly incredible events at Tottenham Hotspur FC.

***This is not William Gallas’ first season on Spurs’ payroll. Agent Gallas was working undercover at the Emirates for four years. Bill was instrumental in creating four straight trophyless seasons at Arsenal before returning home in triumph to his parent club.

***Former Spur Lee Young-Pyo ‘aka Wipey’ was, in fact, a North Korean intelligence officer sent to report on the English way of life. Wipey was often bemused by what he saw. He observed in 2007: “Life here is curious and unexplainable. The one known as Mido regularly eats his own weight in kebabs. Keane suffers from severe Tourettes and can often be seen pointing and shouting uncontrollably at no-one in particular. Chimbonda has the mind and motor skills of a three-year-old child.”

***Harry Redknapp has engaged in no financial irregularities or tapping up of players and is a fine tactician. He is the best Spurs manager since Keith Burkinshaw. However, the proposed Joe Cole deal was a despicable red herring to seal the Rafael Van der Vaart transfer, according to long-time government mole Kevin ’007’ Bond.

***Roman Pavlyuchenko often appears to be slow and uninterested in games. This is a clever ruse often used by Russian spies. Roman (nicknamed at home ‘The Rocket of Mother Russia’) can actually run 100 metres in 10.24 seconds, but moves slowly so he can secretly video watching diplomats in the West Stand via a tiny pinhole-sized camera inserted in the eye of his cockerel motif.

***Birmingham have lost once at home in their last 28 games, spanning 14 months and defeated Chelsea in their last league game at St.Andrews. They are harder to crack than a walnut from the previous Christmas. A 1-1 draw was not a bad result for a Spurs team in fine form (unbeaten in six games) and with 10 injured players mumbling on the sidelines. Tottenham are one point behind last season’s tally at the same point last year (where we also sat, hawk-like, in fifth place) and our Champions League odyssey will continue in 2011. All is going according to plan, comrades.

***The Lust Doctor has sanctioned the immediate capture and torture of enemy operative Samir Nasri, in contravention of the Geneva Convention. Agents Freund and Van den Hauwe have been despatched.

Willie’s international break wind-ups

Bonjour, mes amis, ce’st William Gallas! So, you ask yourself, how does an injured, semi-retired international footballer cope with the loneliness of international breaks? I will tell you. He crank calls his former Arsenal team mates! I bring you Willie’s international break wind-ups.

Willie’s wind-up #1: Samir Nasri

Le set-up: Samir is self-conscious about his height. His mother bought him a beautifully illustrated growth chart as a child, but he did not grow beyond the cartoon giraffe’s spotted shoulders until he was 19-years-old. Your Willie pretends to be the manager of the dwarf national team.

“Bonjour Samir.”

“Er, oui. This strange voice...I recognize from somewhere?”

“Ce’st Monsieur Kenny Baker...manager of the dwarf national team. I am delighted to say you have been selected for the national side’s qualification match in...heh heh..Lilliput.”

“I am not a dwarf...I-I play for France.”

“There is a precedent. Toulouse-Lautrec also represented both teams.”

“Je ne comprends pas?”

“You qualify through a dwarf grandfather. We have checked. He met your grandmother in Montmartre via a hole in a toilet wall.”

“Mon dieu! Mon dieu! The final piece in the puzzle! It is like, how you say, ‘Who do you think you are?’ It will be an honour to represent ‘les petit bleus’!”

Le merk!: Samir, eager to reconnect with his past, flies to Auckland, New Zealand (home of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), for a dwarf international and misses Arsenal’s next five matches ‘running from goblins’.

Next time on Willie’s international break wind-ups: Franck Ribery and Arsene Wenger’s wild night out.