Willie’s wind-ups - Part Trois!

Bonjour, mes amis, c’est William Gallas! These international breaks, the time stands still, non? It is a time of solitude and contemplation at Chez Gallas since my international ‘retirement’. I might read Sartre and scribble thought-provoking existential notes on the page or breathe in the magic of Truffaut on my home cinema system while sipping a frothy Kronenbourg from my home bar. But my everyday pleasures are no more...lost in the slipstream of international football.... I can’t calm myself by platting Benoit’s hair or telling Luka a bedtime story. Long dark nights of the soul are not uncommon in these times.

There is only one thing that can lift my flagging spirits amid this bleakness. What is it, mon William, you ask? Why it is ripping le piss out of Samir Nasri!

Le set-up: Arsenal are 4-0 up in 26 minutes against a forlorn Newcastle outfit sans Andy Carroll. It is an embarrassment for the Cheryl Cole fanciers. But non! Voila le comeback! Un, deux, trois, quatre! The game finishes 4-4 and the most noble of draws. Your William pretends to be a clueless Thierry Henry and asks Samir the final score.

‘Thierry’: Bonjour, Samir, c’est Thierry! Le Arsenal legend Thierry Henry!

Samir: Ah, Thierry. Ca va.

‘Thierry’: Samir, I call with grave news. My wife has died.

Samir: Oh no, Thierry, this is dreadful. I was unaware you had remarried.

‘Thierry’: You dwarven fool. I said my wi-fi has died! But before le blackout my fading iPhone brought me great news...my beloved Arsenal were 4-0 up against Les Toon after a mere 26 minutes!!! The title is ours surely! Tell me, Samir, what cricket score did we rack up today....sept? Huit? Ah, it was dix!!! We beat the Tottenham record, I know it.

Samir: Thierry....I....Rosicky.

‘Thierry’: Merde.

Samir: Oui, Rosicky. It started to go wrong with Diaby’s tackle.

‘Thierry’: You are pulling my baguette? Diaby's tackle? Is this the guy celebrated, 84 times capped French international legend William Gallas used to laugh at in the shower?

Samir: We no longer speak of this man.

‘Thierry’: It is better days now Squillaci is here, I understand. But his run....it is a little girlish, you must admit. Premier League football is not a salad bar.

Samir: (A sobbing Nasri hangs up and watches the Twilight trilogy).*

Le merk!: In 2010, seamstresses in Peru created the largest ever pair of jeans measuring 141 feet tall (approximately 25 Samir Nasris) and 98 feet wide (approximately 32 Pat Rices) and weighing in at 7.5 tonnes (approximately 1/2 Nicklas Bendtner’s ego). I purchase and send these record-breaking jeans directly to the Emirates Stadium with a special touch. On the pocket stitched in lilywhite: ‘Property of William Gallas - will all Arsenal players form an orderly queue and climb in! 3-2, 3-2, you pansies!’ Ha ha!

*Actual conversation/events did not take place.

Willie’s international break wind-ups - Part Deux!

Bonjour, mes amis, ce’st William Gallas! These days without a Tottenham game are dragging, non? Still four days until we meet ‘les Cottagers’ so enough time for one more crank call to a former Arse-nal ass-ociate! I bring you Willie’s international break wind-ups - Part Deux!

Le set-up: We all know Arsene Wenger cannot resist a French teenager. Your Willie pretends to be working ladies man Franck Ribery in a classic case of crossed wires*.

“Arsene, I have a hot French teenager for you.”

“Ah, bonjour Franck. What position?”

“Dominique is great at the back. Also good up top. And on either side. Goes down easily.

“Perfect for Arsenal.”

“Oh definitely. I can testify to that myself.”

“Any good?”

“The best I’ve ever come across. I know Benzema agrees. ”

“Who is the owner?”

“Breast.”

“Ah, the Ligue 1 side?”

“No, I was just thinking aloud. Breast.”

“Er okay. Franck, what fee is involved?”

“800 Euros. Pay as you play. I guarantee Bendtner will score every week with Dominique.”

Le merk!: French call girl Dominique Six signs for Arsenal and shows immediate promise up front alongside Robin Van Persie. She develops an incredible burst of pace due to continually running away from the forward Dutchman. Six is clever in the box, but rarely finishes. Her season is eventually ended by Nigel De Jong’s lunging tackle. Apart from Zoo Magazine's 'Sexiest Player of the Season' award, Arsenal finish trophyless.

*Actual conversation/events did not take place.

Willie’s international break wind-ups

Bonjour, mes amis, ce’st William Gallas! So, you ask yourself, how does an injured, semi-retired international footballer cope with the loneliness of international breaks? I will tell you. He crank calls his former Arsenal team mates! I bring you Willie’s international break wind-ups.

Willie’s wind-up #1: Samir Nasri

Le set-up: Samir is self-conscious about his height. His mother bought him a beautifully illustrated growth chart as a child, but he did not grow beyond the cartoon giraffe’s spotted shoulders until he was 19-years-old. Your Willie pretends to be the manager of the dwarf national team.

“Bonjour Samir.”

“Er, oui. This strange voice...I recognize from somewhere?”

“Ce’st Monsieur Kenny Baker...manager of the dwarf national team. I am delighted to say you have been selected for the national side’s qualification match in...heh heh..Lilliput.”

“I am not a dwarf...I-I play for France.”

“There is a precedent. Toulouse-Lautrec also represented both teams.”

“Je ne comprends pas?”

“You qualify through a dwarf grandfather. We have checked. He met your grandmother in Montmartre via a hole in a toilet wall.”

“Mon dieu! Mon dieu! The final piece in the puzzle! It is like, how you say, ‘Who do you think you are?’ It will be an honour to represent ‘les petit bleus’!”

Le merk!: Samir, eager to reconnect with his past, flies to Auckland, New Zealand (home of the Lord of the Rings trilogy), for a dwarf international and misses Arsenal’s next five matches ‘running from goblins’.

Next time on Willie’s international break wind-ups: Franck Ribery and Arsene Wenger’s wild night out.