EXCLUSIVE: The new Spurs manager’s position will be decided via an ITV4 reality show. Every week in the boardroom, Chairman Daniel Levy will sit on a high-legged chair (with a booster cushion) and eliminate one potential candidate from the managerial race. Here we meet the contestants and analyse their prospects.
David Moyes 5/4 - Mad eyes. Looks like Gollum before he found that ring by the riverbank. A trained hairdresser, Moyes styles Marouane Fellaini’s afro on match days and would have little problem accommodating the wild barnet of Benoit Assou-Ekotto. Everton Chairman and theatre impresario Bill Kenwright currently gives Moyes 60% off West End tickets, a price Daniel Levy may be reluctant to match.
Roberto Martinez 2-1 - Will save Spurs from relegation in May with a 1-3 win at the Emirates Stadium, courtesy of a stunning Yakubu hat-trick. Will lead Spurs to the brink of relegation in the preceding months.
Andre Villas-Boas 3-1 - The Villas-Boas appointment is ruined by a bizarre bodyswap scenario involving John ‘JT’ Terry and Michael ‘Daws’ Dawson. The fake Dawson immediately leads a player revolt against the incoming Portugeezer and causes a furore when seeking to locate Sylvie Van Der Vaart’s ‘Private Box’.
Ralf Rangnick 8-1 - An anagram of Ralf’s name is ‘Who the f**k are you?’ Will undoubtedly get the job and be replaced by caretaker Alan Curbishley in January. Curbishley’s role will include cleaning the Paxton End toilets on match days and recovering the ‘wandering loo seat’.
Fabio Capello 10-1 - Fluent Italian speaker. Will understand parts of the ‘My name is Nicola Berti’ song. Still in London having failed to find an Italian speaking taxi driver to take him to the airport. Additional pasta dishes will be added to the training ground canteen menu much to the delight of Tom Huddlestone who subsequently loses 43lbs in body weight through eating a dodgy lasagne.
David Pleat 69-1 - Farah slack wearer, teddy boy haircut sporter, car seat contortionist. Tried and trusted like a pair of hush puppies you don’t want to throw out, Pleaty will immediately move Ledley King to a central midfield position via a Stannah conveyer belt. Introduces a 4-3-3 system. Soundbites include: “Scotty Parker is relishing his position in the threesome.”
Gilberto 200-1 - Spurs’ former Brazilian international is a shock choice as player-manager. Gilberto’s first act as boss is to drop himself.