Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Spurs 2 Newcastle 0: Cheeky’s clean sheets

My mate Cheeky comes to two Spurs games a season. Bizarrely, this always coincides with a Tottenham clean sheet. No-one knows why this happens, but it does. It’s a natural phenomenon like the Northern Lights or the image of Jesus appearing on a sour cream Pringle.

Cheeky chooses a random match to fit in with his hectic schedule as an EU human rights lawyer in Brussels and bosh...Spurs don’t concede. Considering Tottenham’s sieve-like backline and no Premier League clean sheets since the opening day of the season....surely this freakish statistic would be tested against a feisty Newcastle outfit spearheaded by the dangerous man-mountain Andy Carroll? You know the scoreline.

Even with 10 men Cheeky’s clean sheet record remained untouched. Younes Kaboul’s foolish, if understandable, reaction to Newcastle’s persistent and unpunished fouling could not affect the outcome and for the second game in succession Spurs triumphed with depleted numbers as Joey Barton’s family tree was debated at length in the stands.

The superb Luke Modric, yet again, pulled the strings in midfield. Boy wonder Bale grabs the headlines and virtuoso Van der Vaart the glory, but the tireless work and ever-present guile of the pint-sized Croatian makes Spurs tick. It’s a delight to have these three genuine world class players at the club. Tottenham’s unbeaten run stretches to 10.

As Cheeky left White Hart Lane reflecting in the glory of yet another clean sheet, our steward tapped him on the arm and pleaded: “Please, please come again!”

*** The Lust Doctor would like to wish a Happy and Healthy New Year to the loyal readers of this blog. Let’s hope 2011 can emulate the joy and wonder of 2010. Come on you Spurs!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Villa 1 Spurs 2: James Collins poleaxed by tiny, tiny man

A 27-year-old man is recovering on his black leather sofa after being mugged in Birmingham on live television last night. 6ft 4ins Welshman James Collins was struck down at Villa Park by the cat-like Jermain Defoe by what is known in kung fu circles as the ‘pop tart’ technique.

There were concerns that Collins’ milky good looks might be permanently damaged by his 5ft 7ins attacker’s tiny, child-like arm.

Collins' agent Ivor D’enjin said: “James does a lot of modelling, airfix and other pop-in plastic sculptures, but he’ll be going nowhere near a Sherman crab tank after this attack. Defoe is quite intimidating. Look at his list of previous girlfriends...Danielle Lloyd, Imogen Thomas, Charlotte Mears, the entire female clientele of Faces and your average ginger Taff can’t compete. James would be happy with a 39-year-old divorcee hairdresser from Swansea. And yes, that’s an open invitation to any interested parties. Ladies with facial tattoos will be considered.”

Last night a friend of Defoe’s leapt to his defence without using a flailing arm. “Jermain is used to handling orange women, but this is the first time he’s got to grips with an orange-haired man. He discovered they go down just as easily.”

*** In the match, Premier League title chasers Tottenham (ahem) won 2-1 with two deft finishes from returning Dutch master Rafael Van der Vaart. Ironically, Defoe’s dismissal meant Spurs defended deeper negating the pace of the dangerous Agbonlahor and they looked tighter at the back with 10 men. The Tottenham keepball at the end of the first half was a joy to behold as was the renaissance of Wilson Palacios as a midfield enforcer. The Defoe sending off was harsh as was Kaboul's disallowed goal after Hutton's astute cutback. Yet top teams come through adversity and find a way to win. And that's what Spurs are now, a top team. Enjoy it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

John White homage released by 'The Branco Heist'

John White, one of Spurs' greatest ever players and star of the legendary double team of 1960/61, has been immortalised in music by band-to-watch 'The Branco Heist'. The brilliant Scot was tragically struck down by lightning in 1964 aged just 27 years old.

The song 'Ghost' is available on iTunes from December 16th. The band have already sold out their launch gig at the O2 Islington Academy ahead of a tour in early 2011 with an album due in the Spring.

Spurs fan/bass player Al McHardy said: "This isn’t a track about football, but more about a unique tragedy of someone who was cut down in their prime, and there’s something very simple for anyone to take from that."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Gomes, you crazy diamond

Heurelho Gomes is not a brave man (he’d probably wimp out in an arm wrestle with Christopher Biggins), yet you can’t help but love the big galoot. Gomes is pure theatre. One minute he is writhing on the ground in agony from a challenge that would require the application of a band aid for the average six-year-old, the next he is plucking a goal-bound effort from the sky.

Gomes' flakiness often (unfairly) draws more attention than his excellence. But while his form has not hit the dizzy heights of last season his saves still far outnumber his bloopers. During Sunday’s 1-1 draw with Chelsea, ‘Gomo’ made two fine stops (a ridiculous own goal attempt by Wilson Palacios and a fizzing effort by Didier Drogba), before the familiar eccentricity kicked in.

Spurs were holding the resurgent blues 1-0 twenty minutes from time when Michael Dawson appeared to have dragged the impressive Drogba too wide for a goalscoring opportunity yet the Ivorian’s shot somehow cannoned off the big Brazilian keeper and looped painfully into the net. The madness wasn't over.

Deep in injury time, Gomes needlessly brought down child-like compatriot Ramires in the box for what felt like the 100th penalty awarded at White Hart Lane this season. And it went the way of most of the rest with Gomes diving superbly to palm away the bemused Drogba’s spot-kick. Amazingly, dozens of Spurs fans in the Paxton End were streaming for the exits as soon as the penalty was awarded. Oh ye of little faith.

And so a draw that felt like two points dropped became like a point gained and another madcap chapter was written in Gomes folklore.

Heurelho, you give us heart attacks and CPR in equal measure, but we still love you. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Match of the Day exclusive: Bale joins United!

I like browsing the shelves of my local newsagent. I often look out for the piles of unsold Arsenal magazines and place a rival publication over the top of Theo Walcott’s gurning, underachieving mug to dissuade potential purchasers. It’s a simple case of re-administering karma.

So imagine my surprise when I noticed the cover of the latest 'Match of the Day' magazine featuring none other than Gareth Bale wearing a Manchester United shirt! I’m so glad the BBC and its affiliate magazines continue to spunk our license fee money up the wall with joyful abandon. It’s bring on Brucie and the dancing tarts!

The offending magazine was sealed in plastic so I couldn’t tell you if Nani was pictured inside wearing a girl’s blouse or whether Sir Alex Ferguson’s head had been pasted on to Rab C. Nesbitt’s body. I do know Fergie is more likely to be wandering the streets of Govan pissed in a string vest than Bale playing for United in 2011.

So Spurs fans, don’t buy your kids 'Match of the Day' magazine, bury all copies under bags of Werthers Original and drive those feckless photoshoppers to the local job centre, where they belong with Rab and the rest.

***Meanwhile, Gareth Bale ‘the Tottenham player’ is in the running for the Team of the Year 2010. Unfortunately, he is up against the rather useful Andres Iniesta! But you can still make a difference by voting for the Welsh wunderkind at

***The Lust Doctor was in Enschede this week (preserved in ice briefly). Brutally cold weather and an eccentric referee could not deny Spurs top spot in arguably the toughest of Champions League groups. From the madness of Berne to the brilliance of Bale with an avalanche of goals and a humbling of the European champions, this has been a journey like no other. And it ain't over yet....'Wembley, Wembley, Tottenham Hotspur are going to Wembley'?

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Wikileaks: Stunning revelations from White Hart Lane

In his most shocking revelations to date, Julian Assange lifts the lid on some truly incredible events at Tottenham Hotspur FC.

***This is not William Gallas’ first season on Spurs’ payroll. Agent Gallas was working undercover at the Emirates for four years. Bill was instrumental in creating four straight trophyless seasons at Arsenal before returning home in triumph to his parent club.

***Former Spur Lee Young-Pyo ‘aka Wipey’ was, in fact, a North Korean intelligence officer sent to report on the English way of life. Wipey was often bemused by what he saw. He observed in 2007: “Life here is curious and unexplainable. The one known as Mido regularly eats his own weight in kebabs. Keane suffers from severe Tourettes and can often be seen pointing and shouting uncontrollably at no-one in particular. Chimbonda has the mind and motor skills of a three-year-old child.”

***Harry Redknapp has engaged in no financial irregularities or tapping up of players and is a fine tactician. He is the best Spurs manager since Keith Burkinshaw. However, the proposed Joe Cole deal was a despicable red herring to seal the Rafael Van der Vaart transfer, according to long-time government mole Kevin ’007’ Bond.

***Roman Pavlyuchenko often appears to be slow and uninterested in games. This is a clever ruse often used by Russian spies. Roman (nicknamed at home ‘The Rocket of Mother Russia’) can actually run 100 metres in 10.24 seconds, but moves slowly so he can secretly video watching diplomats in the West Stand via a tiny pinhole-sized camera inserted in the eye of his cockerel motif.

***Birmingham have lost once at home in their last 28 games, spanning 14 months and defeated Chelsea in their last league game at St.Andrews. They are harder to crack than a walnut from the previous Christmas. A 1-1 draw was not a bad result for a Spurs team in fine form (unbeaten in six games) and with 10 injured players mumbling on the sidelines. Tottenham are one point behind last season’s tally at the same point last year (where we also sat, hawk-like, in fifth place) and our Champions League odyssey will continue in 2011. All is going according to plan, comrades.

***The Lust Doctor has sanctioned the immediate capture and torture of enemy operative Samir Nasri, in contravention of the Geneva Convention. Agents Freund and Van den Hauwe have been despatched.