Thursday, September 27, 2012

‘Eiffel awful’: The unbearable life of Hugo Lloris

According to a widely disrespected but highly circulated tabloid newspaper, outcast goalkeeper Hugo Lloris was forced to watch Spurs’ 3-0 win at Carlisle on a grainy Arabic internet stream while handcuffed to a radiator in a north London basement.

The extreme punishment was meted out by ‘unpopular’ Spurs boss Andre Villas-Boas after Lloris demanded that Brad Friedel’s age be verified on ‘Le Jeremy Kyle Show’ amid training ground whispers that his American rival might be ‘younger than Kanu’.

These unverified revelations have prompted furious uproar back in France where former ball-handler Fabien Barthez dubbed the French international captain a ‘Prisoner of war’. Lloris, who only has 3 years and 11 months remaining on his Spurs contract, was said to be devastated to miss the Carlisle trip and the chance to sample the local delicacy of Cumberland sausage. The game’s preferred goalkeeper Carlo Cudicini is said to have inflamed matters further by posting a picture of a delicious sausage butty on Instagram.

Highly-rated Lloris, who has made a solitary appearance in Spurs colours since signing from Lyon on deadline day, is said to have reacted darkly to the latest snub. “He mopes around Spurs' training ground with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, quoting Sartre to a LOL-ing Benoit Assou-Ekotto,” said a shady insider. “He tried to convince the girls in the canteen to go on strike, but they said ‘non’.”

Meanwhile, fellow goalkeeping outcast Heurelho Gomes, who now performs as a comedy street juggler in Covent Garden under the pseudonym ‘Coco Loco’, is recovering after being injured by a rubber skittle.


Leo said...

Coco loco - that even made me laugh while spending £200 on a sodding tyre. Brilliant.

Frank said...

You've cheered me up mate. Great piece!

'Lust Doctor' said...

Cheers Leo and Frank. Appreciated. 'Coco Loco' has since been offered a job with White Hart Lane's matchday catering staff. Can he unscrew a bottle top without injury?

Anonymous said...


'Lust Doctor' said...

Merci anon. I am miming a sad face.