A 27-year-old man is recovering on his black leather sofa after being mugged in Birmingham on live television last night. 6ft 4ins Welshman James Collins was struck down at Villa Park by the cat-like Jermain Defoe by what is known in kung fu circles as the ‘pop tart’ technique.
There were concerns that Collins’ milky good looks might be permanently damaged by his 5ft 7ins attacker’s tiny, child-like arm.
Collins' agent Ivor D’enjin said: “James does a lot of modelling, airfix and other pop-in plastic sculptures, but he’ll be going nowhere near a Sherman crab tank after this attack. Defoe is quite intimidating. Look at his list of previous girlfriends...Danielle Lloyd, Imogen Thomas, Charlotte Mears, the entire female clientele of Faces and your average ginger Taff can’t compete. James would be happy with a 39-year-old divorcee hairdresser from Swansea. And yes, that’s an open invitation to any interested parties. Ladies with facial tattoos will be considered.”
Last night a friend of Defoe’s leapt to his defence without using a flailing arm. “Jermain is used to handling orange women, but this is the first time he’s got to grips with an orange-haired man. He discovered they go down just as easily.”
*** In the match, Premier League title chasers Tottenham (ahem) won 2-1 with two deft finishes from returning Dutch master Rafael Van der Vaart. Ironically, Defoe’s dismissal meant Spurs defended deeper negating the pace of the dangerous Agbonlahor and they looked tighter at the back with 10 men. The Tottenham keepball at the end of the first half was a joy to behold as was the renaissance of Wilson Palacios as a midfield enforcer. The Defoe sending off was harsh as was Kaboul's disallowed goal after Hutton's astute cutback. Yet top teams come through adversity and find a way to win. And that's what Spurs are now, a top team. Enjoy it.