Sunday, January 30, 2011

The alternative transfer window deadline day (Bryan Swanson free)

11.33pm A last gasp snafu. Spurs miss out on Charlie Adam by a couple of minutes after two Blackpool shareholder signatures could not be found in time. The window closes, the madness ends. Phew! Goodnight and thanks for joining me......

10.54pm Spurs try to sign Blackpool midfielder Charlie Adam with six minutes to go in the window. 1 hour 6 minutes on Levy's naughty fax machine! Genius.

10.34pm Desperate times require desperate measures. Daniel Levy resets Spurs fax machine clock to 9.33pm. Not looking hopeful....

10.16pm The bars of Santander rejoice. Alcohol sponge Giovani Dos Santos has joined Spanish outfit Racing Santander on loan until the end of the season. Can 'Desperate Dan' pull a late rabbit out of the hat? Just don't be a Harewood......

9.02pm Emile Heskey fails Spurs medical after tripping over running machine.

8.34pm Kevin Bond wakes up and reality flips on its head. A mysterious helicopter lands at Spurs Lodge.

7.20pm Daniel Levy looks in his pocket for a small plastic cockerel he keeps as a 'totem'. It's not there. He suddenly considers this deadline day may not be real but part of Kevin Bond's mad dream.

7.07pm Rossi talks break down. Daniel Levy opens another pack of Match Attax for signing ideas. Worringly, Carlton Cole is in the packet along with Lucas Fabianski.

6.52pm Emile Heskey's helicopter is circling Norwich. "Don't land here," stress local airspace officials. Farmers with pitchforks take to the fields.

6.32pm Daniel Levy is deep in transfer talks with Rossi's agent in a local tapas bar. He is served anchovies on toast by none other than former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez!

6.10pm Unconfirmed reports that Francis Rossi of Status Quo is in advanced talks with Daniel Levy in Villareal. Kevin Bond is having a nap.

5.51pm Never underestimate the power of the white wine spritzer. 'Desperate Dan' Levy has flown to Spain to sign someone who is good up front. Penelope Cruz's agent is unavailable for comment.

5.41pm Reports that Spurs have swooped for Porto's Colombian striker Falcao have been lost in translation. Sky Sports understands it is former hitman Mark Falco, 50, who impressed Harry Redknapp in a recent trial (doing his laundry).

5.15pm Tottenham's bid to sign Everton captain Phil Neville is foiled following a dispute over image rights.

4.28pm Spurs fail in late bid for Carroll. Veteran Vorderman turns down offer after dispute over add-ons.

4.04pm It's a no-go. Mido is rioting in Egypt. Nothing to do with the political situation. His local supermarket has run out of houmous.

3.51pm El Hadji Diouf is arrested on arrival at Stansted Airport for 65 separate offences. Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in Birmingham. Carlton Cole enjoys a roast at the Dorchester. An intoxicated Daniel Levy makes a desperate bid for Tottenham old boy Mido.

3,35pm Sensational new Spurs striker target revealed at

3.24pm Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in London. Kevin Bond loses to Stipe Pletikosa in a tense game of 'Connect 4'.

3.20pm Inspired by Ian Holloway's 'bag of carrots' comment, Daniel Levy tables bids for a number of auburn-haired players including James Collins, Paul Kitson and former White Hart Lane hero Gary Doherty.

3.15pm On board his flight to London, El Hadji Diouf's gold lamé dressing gown is caught in the plane toilet door. Fortunately, a carefully placed toblerone protects his modesty. Daniel Levy orders another white wine spritzer.

3pm Carlton Cole 'mercs' West Ham newboy Robbie Keane by using his mobile to bombard Karren Brady with suggestive texts.

2.58pm Daniel Levy orders a white wine spritzer in Stansted Airport business lounge. Where is El Hadji Diouf? Emile Heskey's helicopter is refused permission to land in Newcastle, Sunderland and Glasgow.

2.41pm Richard Keys signs for Werewolfsburg Over-50s team in Germany.

2.38pm Emile Heskey is refused permission to land in Manchester, Liverpool, Blackburn, Wigan and Blackpool.

2.23pm Emile Heskey's helicopter takes to the skies. Stephen Bywater denies rumours of a move to Tottenham. "See you next Tuesday," he tells the Derby County tea lady.

2.07pm El Hadji Diouf tells an attractive BMI stewardess he is a pilot. "That's handy," she says, "because I'm shooting you down." A furious Diouf waves his toblerone.

2pm In a desperate attempt to force a transfer, new EDF energy customer Emile Heskey rents a helicopter.

1.54pm Jermain Defoe takes 'Showgirls' on loan from the Loughton Blockbuster.

1.45pm Carlton Cole tells a red-faced Robbie Keane he can't wait to meet David Gold's 'world class striker'.

1.41pm Emile Heskey's phone rings. A customer service employee from EDF Energy explains their winter price freeze.

1.38pm Daniel Levy changes the time on Tottenham's fax machine.

1.29pm El Hadji Diouf books into Manchester Airport wearing a gold lamé dressing gown. He is not searched by airport security. Diouf buys a toblerone for Daniel Levy.

1.09pm Emile Heskey waits anxiously by his phone. It does not ring.

1pm A fully nude El Hadji Diouf drives to Manchester Airport at 140mph. Daniel Levy thinks it would be fun to have an entirely bald team and tables bids for Andy Johnson, Brad Friedel, Stephen Ireland and Phillip Senderos among others.

12.53pm Spurs Olympic Stadium charm offensive backfires. A call to athletics legend Sally Gunnell accidentally leads to a bid for lookalike Diego Forlan.

12.40pm Richard Keys is told by his wife that he will not be 'hanging out the back of it' for some time. Andy Gray 'fools around' with a cucumber at his local Waitrose. "It's just banter," he tells a young female employee who arms herself with a can of Lynx.

12.31pm El Hadji Diouf takes off his shirt and walks into a strip club where he is stopped by a bouncer. "This is a topless bar, no?" rages Diouf.

12.23pm Carlton Cole walks into a door distracted by Robbie Keane's pointing and shouting. David Gold looks up from his copy of Razzle.

12.14pm Bryan Swanson understands basic algebra. Spurs ITKs say move for Turkish international 'Algebra' is a done deal.

12.02pm Back at the Spurs training ground, a terrified Heurelho Gomes is chased by a wasp. A Spurs ITK 'spots Benzema''s Alan Hutton in a ridiculous coat.

11.56am El Hadji Diouf winds down the window of his Mercedes SLR McClaren to spit at an elderly nun.

11.53am Gregorz Rasiak's agent receives a phone call and high-fives his client in jubilation. 'Welcome to the McDonald's family!'

11.46am Daniel Levy is nervous. He always gets this way before Bargain Hunt is on TV. He receives an obscene text from El Hadji Diouf.

11.37am Wilson Palacios gives the ball away to Steven Pienaar in training. Pienaar then gives the ball away to Palacios. This pattern continues for three straight minutes.

11.35am Blackburn immediately accept Spurs surprise bid for Diouf and the Senegalese shirt-puller heads to London for talks. He stops off at his favourite 'restaurant' Greggs to moon at the women behind the counter.

11.26am Harry Redknapp tells bemused homeless man he 'doesn't expect any business' before the end of the window. Giovani Dos Santos looks disappointed.

11.23am Daniel Levy goes into a newsagent and buys a pack of Match Attax. He opens the foil and lodges official bids for every player including Senegalese bad man El Hadji Diouf.

11.18am All around the country ITKs begin their arduous climb up trees near Premier League training grounds.

11.16am Carlton Cole misses an open goal in training.

2.22am Daniel Levy falls asleep soothed by Phil Collins' astute life commentary. What will the next 21 hours bring? Check back later for further updates and disappointment.

2.08am Daniel Levy plays 'Against all odds' by Phil Collins on his iPod. Ponders bid for Andy's 'younger brother' Carlton.

2.00am Daniel Levy turns off Babestation.

1.52am Harry Redknapp accidentally calls his wife 'Sandro' during pillow talk.

1.38am Wilson Palacios makes successful pass. It's wind.

1.27am Daniel Levy bids £17m for Andy Cole and is politely told he has retired by Cole's bleary-eyed agent. "For the night?," asks Daniel.

1.26am Phil Dowd makes bacon sandwich.

1.15am Joe Jordan headbutts bedstand.

1.11am Andy Carroll leaves bar, punches passing pigeon as it 'reminds me of a southern shite cockerel.'

1.08am Kevin Bond's nightlight goes out.

1.04am Daniel Levy turns on Babestation.

12.57am Daniel Levy sings 'East London is ours' in the bath. His wife banishes him to the sofa bed.

12.54am A worried Diego Forlan visits the toilet. His pee hurts.

12.50am Sergio Aguero sends bewildering SMS to Diego Forlan. 'What is a Hotspur? Is it contagious?'

12.46am Christian Gross' famous travelcard 'of dreams' is listed on eBay.

12.41am Karren Brady has 'sexist' dream.

12.25am Kevin Bond fills hot water bottle, accidentally burns hand.

12.23am Sergio Aguero Googles 'Tottenham Hotspur'.

12.21am Kevin Bond considers filling hot water bottle.

12.18am Robbie Keane kisses wife goodnight after joining 'boyhood club' West Ham United.

12.15am Kevin Bond makes ovaltine.

12.12am Super-agent Willie McKay adds Harry Redknapp to speed dial, beats Domino's deadline to order pepperoni pizza.

12.07am Daniel Levy bids £3.11 for an iPad on Sadly, this was not a unique bid as Kerry Katona bid the same.

12.02am Spurs linked to Ajax's Belgian centre-half and defensive midfielder Jan Vertonghen. His best mate is Thomas Vermaelen. Hopefully, his football skills are greater than his character judgments.

12am Check here for live updates throughout transfer deadline day. Bryan Swanson ist verboten!

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