Redknapp toys with 'dwarf formation'

Four-time Tottenham manager David Pleat analyses his former club’s tactics on the Premier League stage.

"Tottenham Hotspur’s last gasp equaliser at Newcastle United was a vindication of Harry Redknapp’s new ‘dwarf formation'.

"Steven Pienaar, Aaron Lennon, Jermain Defoe and Luka Modric are refused entry on most fairground rides, but they are also small enough to enjoy a bird’s eye view up a Geordie lass’s criminally short skirt. This was naturally unsettling for the passionate home crowd who are proud of the local ladies’ streetwalker fashion sense. The tension on ninety minutes was palpable.

"It is often said Peter Crouch doesn’t make the most of his height, but those in the game know he’s actually two players, one small man standing on another’s shoulders. Look for the kneecaps poking out of ‘Crouch’s’ match shirt. The less attractive man is at the bottom with the swarve Abi Clancy puller on top.

"It’s a fiendishly clever tactic perfected by two celebrated dwarf acrobats and inspired by the pantomime horse in 1980s kids programme Rentaghost. It also explains Crouch’s lack of basic co-ordination in front of goal. It’s hard to shoot with a small man on top of you. However, against Newcastle, the top Crouch ably backflicked a header to prowling lady magnet Defoe to tee up the zigzagging Lennon’s delightful equaliser.

"Speculation mounts as the transfer window closes and it has been suggested Redknapp is eyeing yet more little people including veterans Kenny Baker and Verne Troyer. Anyone who can stick a spherical leather object past a gloved man standing in a net would be most welcome."