ANOTHER FABRICATED SUN EXCLUSIVE BY BILL S. HITTIN
The sensational headline above only tells part of the story. The untrue part.
Displaced goalkeeper Brad Friedel watched his 310 consecutive Premier League game playing streak cruelly ended by unpopular boss Andre Villas-Boas against Aston Villa on Sunday and then flipped like an American style pancake.
Ripping his substitute goalkeeper's jersey apart with a flex of his yoga-toned muscles, the feral 41-year-old bodyslammed the weasel-faced Portuguese in Tottenham's West Stand car park as his ‘revolting’ teammates whooped and cheered, ‘The Sun’ can exclusively reveal.
Ever the Frenchman, replacement Hugo Lloris fled the scene with a girlish Gallic jog. The fresh garlic fancier was later found cowering behind a notorious Paxton End burger van and only discovered when its geezerish proprietor shouted: “Come and have a look at this!”
Friedel’s incredible Premier League run dated back to the days of black and white television when children fidgeted uncomfortably on beanbags with Jimmy Saville and hoped for the best. Back then the American sported a furry Fellaini style barnet which he used to expertly pluck goalbound screamers from just under the post.
Yet the ancient American’s goalkeeping pedigree and high standing in the game counted for nothing in the eyes of the conniving Villas-Boas. And last night, as disbelieving fans left scarves and lit candles in honour of Friedel’s departed streak, the Chelsea failure remained aloof and unrepentant.
“Brad took his rage to another dimension,” confessed a sheepish Villas-Boas after Spurs' 2-0 win that ensured his job safety for another fortnight. “He understands the project of me dropping his prehistoric arse and, after he clotheslined me in the dressing room and held my finely coiffured head down a flushing toilet, we shook hands like men.
“I told Brad we look forward to him playing again soon. In a behind closed doors friendly with the likes of Jon Obika. Here he can show his merit as an individual and I hope the opportunity incentivates him to accept Michael Parkinson’s life insurance offer. I understand you receive a Parker pen just for calling. Daniel Levy made 14 calls from different numbers and received 14 pens. That’s an immense stationery contribution and more than Manchester United manage in a season.”
While Spurs were labouring to break down a stout Villa defence, former manager Harry Redknapp was enjoying a traditional roast dinner cooked by beloved wife Sandra.
The scent of Sandra’s expertly cooked beef wafted over Sandbanks to the mutual delight of passing pooches and their salivating dog walkers.
“Cor, I told you Sandra was better than Darren Bent,“ winked the cheeky chappy ex-manager and Sun columnist. “I wish Pavlyuchenko had run around like those peas. Triffic movement off the fork. Let’s hope they pass better than Pav!”