Return Agent Keane. The target was secured at 18:01 hours on Sunday 15th May with minimal resistance. Mission: Claret and Blue Murder is complete.
We appreciate your sacrifice. Four months of jellied eels and baying lunatics has broken men before (see Agent Boogers), but you stayed strong as the caravans circled.
You will be mentioned in despatches and awarded the Silver Star of David. The record will show that, behind enemy lines, Agent Keane crippled enemy personnel Parker and Upson by taking them to his wife’s spinning class and impersonated a pub player with astonishing accuracy.
Immediate evacuation is essential to avoid incoming laser pen fire. Enemy Agent Cole’s defection request has been denied. Please ditch him at Hilton Park motorway services, Wolverhampton, on your return to base.
Return Agent Keane.
Mission complete.
*Oh and Spurs won 2-0 at Liverpool today, thanks to the return of Ledley King and a Howard Webb penalty! You couldn’t make it up!
Showing posts with label Robbie Keane. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Robbie Keane. Show all posts
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Strat’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it!?!?
Many of the Tottenham vs Stratford arguments have been inarticulate and prone to the kind of pointing and shouting you might expect between obese family members on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Those hoping for a calm, intelligent discussion between differing viewpoints have often been sorely disappointed. One brainiac even threatened to smash up anyone involved in Spurs' potential move to Stratford: “We will come round your houses,” he said darkly. That pink blur you saw was a toy being thrown out of a pram. At least, I hope it was.
I expect this 'supporter' was cheering wildly when that bint with a bedsheet interrupted half-time pints and pies during last Sunday’s game against Manchester United. I was less than impressed. There is no room for such protests during a Spurs match. Support your team in the stadium or wait for the next spontaneous fire extinguisher drop at Millbank.
The more angry the anti-Stratford movement becomes, the more they push me and those in the middle ground or wavering Eastwards. Few arguments are won by pointing and shouting (Google ‘free kicks won by Robbie Keane’ on the internet, if you don’t believe me). I have total solidarity for those who were born or have roots in Tottenham and the surrounding area. Their sincerity and reasoning in wishing Spurs to remain in N17 is beyond dispute.
There are many coherent arguments for staying in Tottenham, but too few have been articulated. Screaming 'You're not Tottenham!' at anyone with an opposing view does not present a compelling case. I heard a rare, fine point on ‘The Spurs Show’ where one fan talked movingly about Bill Nicholson’s ashes being sprinkled at White Hart Lane and asking, ‘Would he have wanted to move to Stratford?' Emotive, but in a positive and poignant way. Why is White Hart Lane so special? I like to think back to one of my greatest nights as a Spurs fan. I was a young whippersnapper at the 1984 UEFA Cup final second leg when Graham Roberts lifted that big silver vase after an electric night at our famous stadium. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I remember that epic shoot-out, the Spurs supporters proudly singing Danny Thomas' name seconds after he missed a cup-winning penalty. Did the Chelsea fans do that for John Terry at the Champions League Final? You know the answer.
Identical twins were sat behind me on the final Anderlecht penalty. One could not bare to look, the other kept his eyes firmly on the pitch as Tony Parks prepared to face the crucial spot-kick. Seconds later, absolute bedlam; Eidur Gudjohnsen’s dad missed the penalty and Eidur Gudjohnsen’s mum duly burst into tears in the row in front of me.
Can this place of such magical memories be laid to waste? Sadly, it will be torn down regardless. Football is a business now, of course. It’s not Daniel Levy’s job to regenerate a rundown North London wasteland. He is, however, a renowned ballbreaker around the business table. His brinkmanship in the transfer market is legendary. Opposing chairmen must dread a Levy phone call. Indeed, former Spurs Chairman Alan Sugar (who has also backed the Stratford move) described Levy as the hardest man he has ever done business with. ‘Praise’ indeed. If Levy can save £1 million on the stadium build, you know he will. I have heard arguments that the revised plans for the Northumberland Park Development will ‘only’ cost a further £X million* (*the true figure is in dispute and open to debate)? Would these fans spend millions of their own money when a cheaper alternative was viable? Probably not.
This is a case of business interests versus self-serving politicians with cold logic and over-heated emotions torn somewhere inbetween. Let’s look at the positives again. We finally have the wonderful team we deserve after countless years of dross and underachievement (epitomised, for me, by a £5 million Ben Thatcher). It’s no coincidence this rise in fortunes has happened on ENIC’s watch after the dark Sugar years. When Levy and co took over Spurs in 2001, the club was choking on its own underachievement. Rafael van der Vaart would have only stopped in Tottenham to buy a kebab after driving back from Highbury. Now we are competitive again and trailblazing in the Champions League; I no longer have to hide my Spurs programme inside a copy of Razzle on the tube journey home. I love it.
Spurs have unfortunately been drawn into the murky world of sport-politics. A single serving athletics venue for the only London Olympics in our lifetime is a farce of a ‘legacy’. Great word that ‘legacy’, one FIFA loves to band around while hawking the World Cup to the highest bidder. The Olympic Stadium is the biggest architectural embarrassment since the cringeworthy Millennium Dome. That white elephant was eventually revitalised and turned profitable by AEG and now stands as the glorious O2 Arena, arguably the best entertainment venue in Europe. And who are Spurs’ partners in the proposed Stratford project....none other than AEG. Could lightning strike twice? Should it? I don't pretend to know the answer.
West Ham’s proposal including an athletics track in a football stadium is laughable, but what would you expect from former porn impresarios Davids Gold and Sullivan, a two-day old sandwich has more substance. Part of me would like West Ham’s ‘Chuckle Brothers’ to lose the Olympic Stadium bid just to watch the life drain from their smug faces like the baddies in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. You never know, Karren Brady may be forced into a glamour shoot to ‘make ends meet’. I won’t be buying that issue.
The Hammers can’t fill a 35,000 stadium for a home cup semi-final at reduced prices. The fanbase is just not there. West Ham moving into the Olympic Stadium would be like a gypsy living in a six-bedroomed house with similarly damaging results.
That’s not to say Spurs should win the bid either. A serious reservation for me is leaving South London club Arsenal as the only remaining North London club. However, those who live in North London (like I do) know that the majority of fans in the area already support the Gunners. So the effect would be most pronounced in the inevitable (and justifiable) mocking songs from our great rivals.
So what’s the solution? Either path leads to unhappiness and unfortunate friction between our fans. First of all, local MP David Lammy needs to consider his words more carefully and let positive actions do the talking. Haringey Council has to see Tottenham as a privilege and not a right and come to a middle ground solution on the additional costs of the new stadium. It is borderline arrogant to suggest that a private enterprise such as THFC, which is the financial lifeblood of the area, should be held to ransom to regenerate it in the midst of a recession. Businesses run on sentiment last no longer than a year.
I would like to see Spurs remain in Tottenham but not at the risk of the club’s long-term financial health and ability to compete at the highest level. Whatever is the best cost-effective option, I support whole-heartedly. None of us truly know which stadium best fulfils that criteria as the air is heavy with political bluster and overblown sentiment.
It would have been better for Spurs fans had Paris, the logical choice, won the bid for 2012 Olympics. The plan for the Olympic Stadium and its legacy was poorly conceived at best. In an ideal world, Stratford would probably remain as a deserted 60,000 athletics venue with tumbleweeds instead of West Ham fans. This way the politicians and self-serving decision makers would be crushed under the weight of their own white elephant.
This won’t happen though. What will, is my undying support of Spurs, be it in Tottenham or Stratford. I hope you’ll join me there.
I expect this 'supporter' was cheering wildly when that bint with a bedsheet interrupted half-time pints and pies during last Sunday’s game against Manchester United. I was less than impressed. There is no room for such protests during a Spurs match. Support your team in the stadium or wait for the next spontaneous fire extinguisher drop at Millbank.
The more angry the anti-Stratford movement becomes, the more they push me and those in the middle ground or wavering Eastwards. Few arguments are won by pointing and shouting (Google ‘free kicks won by Robbie Keane’ on the internet, if you don’t believe me). I have total solidarity for those who were born or have roots in Tottenham and the surrounding area. Their sincerity and reasoning in wishing Spurs to remain in N17 is beyond dispute.
There are many coherent arguments for staying in Tottenham, but too few have been articulated. Screaming 'You're not Tottenham!' at anyone with an opposing view does not present a compelling case. I heard a rare, fine point on ‘The Spurs Show’ where one fan talked movingly about Bill Nicholson’s ashes being sprinkled at White Hart Lane and asking, ‘Would he have wanted to move to Stratford?' Emotive, but in a positive and poignant way. Why is White Hart Lane so special? I like to think back to one of my greatest nights as a Spurs fan. I was a young whippersnapper at the 1984 UEFA Cup final second leg when Graham Roberts lifted that big silver vase after an electric night at our famous stadium. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I remember that epic shoot-out, the Spurs supporters proudly singing Danny Thomas' name seconds after he missed a cup-winning penalty. Did the Chelsea fans do that for John Terry at the Champions League Final? You know the answer.
Identical twins were sat behind me on the final Anderlecht penalty. One could not bare to look, the other kept his eyes firmly on the pitch as Tony Parks prepared to face the crucial spot-kick. Seconds later, absolute bedlam; Eidur Gudjohnsen’s dad missed the penalty and Eidur Gudjohnsen’s mum duly burst into tears in the row in front of me.
Can this place of such magical memories be laid to waste? Sadly, it will be torn down regardless. Football is a business now, of course. It’s not Daniel Levy’s job to regenerate a rundown North London wasteland. He is, however, a renowned ballbreaker around the business table. His brinkmanship in the transfer market is legendary. Opposing chairmen must dread a Levy phone call. Indeed, former Spurs Chairman Alan Sugar (who has also backed the Stratford move) described Levy as the hardest man he has ever done business with. ‘Praise’ indeed. If Levy can save £1 million on the stadium build, you know he will. I have heard arguments that the revised plans for the Northumberland Park Development will ‘only’ cost a further £X million* (*the true figure is in dispute and open to debate)? Would these fans spend millions of their own money when a cheaper alternative was viable? Probably not.
This is a case of business interests versus self-serving politicians with cold logic and over-heated emotions torn somewhere inbetween. Let’s look at the positives again. We finally have the wonderful team we deserve after countless years of dross and underachievement (epitomised, for me, by a £5 million Ben Thatcher). It’s no coincidence this rise in fortunes has happened on ENIC’s watch after the dark Sugar years. When Levy and co took over Spurs in 2001, the club was choking on its own underachievement. Rafael van der Vaart would have only stopped in Tottenham to buy a kebab after driving back from Highbury. Now we are competitive again and trailblazing in the Champions League; I no longer have to hide my Spurs programme inside a copy of Razzle on the tube journey home. I love it.
Spurs have unfortunately been drawn into the murky world of sport-politics. A single serving athletics venue for the only London Olympics in our lifetime is a farce of a ‘legacy’. Great word that ‘legacy’, one FIFA loves to band around while hawking the World Cup to the highest bidder. The Olympic Stadium is the biggest architectural embarrassment since the cringeworthy Millennium Dome. That white elephant was eventually revitalised and turned profitable by AEG and now stands as the glorious O2 Arena, arguably the best entertainment venue in Europe. And who are Spurs’ partners in the proposed Stratford project....none other than AEG. Could lightning strike twice? Should it? I don't pretend to know the answer.
West Ham’s proposal including an athletics track in a football stadium is laughable, but what would you expect from former porn impresarios Davids Gold and Sullivan, a two-day old sandwich has more substance. Part of me would like West Ham’s ‘Chuckle Brothers’ to lose the Olympic Stadium bid just to watch the life drain from their smug faces like the baddies in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. You never know, Karren Brady may be forced into a glamour shoot to ‘make ends meet’. I won’t be buying that issue.
The Hammers can’t fill a 35,000 stadium for a home cup semi-final at reduced prices. The fanbase is just not there. West Ham moving into the Olympic Stadium would be like a gypsy living in a six-bedroomed house with similarly damaging results.
That’s not to say Spurs should win the bid either. A serious reservation for me is leaving South London club Arsenal as the only remaining North London club. However, those who live in North London (like I do) know that the majority of fans in the area already support the Gunners. So the effect would be most pronounced in the inevitable (and justifiable) mocking songs from our great rivals.
So what’s the solution? Either path leads to unhappiness and unfortunate friction between our fans. First of all, local MP David Lammy needs to consider his words more carefully and let positive actions do the talking. Haringey Council has to see Tottenham as a privilege and not a right and come to a middle ground solution on the additional costs of the new stadium. It is borderline arrogant to suggest that a private enterprise such as THFC, which is the financial lifeblood of the area, should be held to ransom to regenerate it in the midst of a recession. Businesses run on sentiment last no longer than a year.
I would like to see Spurs remain in Tottenham but not at the risk of the club’s long-term financial health and ability to compete at the highest level. Whatever is the best cost-effective option, I support whole-heartedly. None of us truly know which stadium best fulfils that criteria as the air is heavy with political bluster and overblown sentiment.
It would have been better for Spurs fans had Paris, the logical choice, won the bid for 2012 Olympics. The plan for the Olympic Stadium and its legacy was poorly conceived at best. In an ideal world, Stratford would probably remain as a deserted 60,000 athletics venue with tumbleweeds instead of West Ham fans. This way the politicians and self-serving decision makers would be crushed under the weight of their own white elephant.
This won’t happen though. What will, is my undying support of Spurs, be it in Tottenham or Stratford. I hope you’ll join me there.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wikileaks: Stunning revelations from White Hart Lane
In his most shocking revelations to date, Julian Assange lifts the lid on some truly incredible events at Tottenham Hotspur FC.
***This is not William Gallas’ first season on Spurs’ payroll. Agent Gallas was working undercover at the Emirates for four years. Bill was instrumental in creating four straight trophyless seasons at Arsenal before returning home in triumph to his parent club.
***Former Spur Lee Young-Pyo ‘aka Wipey’ was, in fact, a North Korean intelligence officer sent to report on the English way of life. Wipey was often bemused by what he saw. He observed in 2007: “Life here is curious and unexplainable. The one known as Mido regularly eats his own weight in kebabs. Keane suffers from severe Tourettes and can often be seen pointing and shouting uncontrollably at no-one in particular. Chimbonda has the mind and motor skills of a three-year-old child.”
***Harry Redknapp has engaged in no financial irregularities or tapping up of players and is a fine tactician. He is the best Spurs manager since Keith Burkinshaw. However, the proposed Joe Cole deal was a despicable red herring to seal the Rafael Van der Vaart transfer, according to long-time government mole Kevin ’007’ Bond.
***Roman Pavlyuchenko often appears to be slow and uninterested in games. This is a clever ruse often used by Russian spies. Roman (nicknamed at home ‘The Rocket of Mother Russia’) can actually run 100 metres in 10.24 seconds, but moves slowly so he can secretly video watching diplomats in the West Stand via a tiny pinhole-sized camera inserted in the eye of his cockerel motif.
***Birmingham have lost once at home in their last 28 games, spanning 14 months and defeated Chelsea in their last league game at St.Andrews. They are harder to crack than a walnut from the previous Christmas. A 1-1 draw was not a bad result for a Spurs team in fine form (unbeaten in six games) and with 10 injured players mumbling on the sidelines. Tottenham are one point behind last season’s tally at the same point last year (where we also sat, hawk-like, in fifth place) and our Champions League odyssey will continue in 2011. All is going according to plan, comrades.
***The Lust Doctor has sanctioned the immediate capture and torture of enemy operative Samir Nasri, in contravention of the Geneva Convention. Agents Freund and Van den Hauwe have been despatched.
***This is not William Gallas’ first season on Spurs’ payroll. Agent Gallas was working undercover at the Emirates for four years. Bill was instrumental in creating four straight trophyless seasons at Arsenal before returning home in triumph to his parent club.
***Former Spur Lee Young-Pyo ‘aka Wipey’ was, in fact, a North Korean intelligence officer sent to report on the English way of life. Wipey was often bemused by what he saw. He observed in 2007: “Life here is curious and unexplainable. The one known as Mido regularly eats his own weight in kebabs. Keane suffers from severe Tourettes and can often be seen pointing and shouting uncontrollably at no-one in particular. Chimbonda has the mind and motor skills of a three-year-old child.”
***Harry Redknapp has engaged in no financial irregularities or tapping up of players and is a fine tactician. He is the best Spurs manager since Keith Burkinshaw. However, the proposed Joe Cole deal was a despicable red herring to seal the Rafael Van der Vaart transfer, according to long-time government mole Kevin ’007’ Bond.
***Roman Pavlyuchenko often appears to be slow and uninterested in games. This is a clever ruse often used by Russian spies. Roman (nicknamed at home ‘The Rocket of Mother Russia’) can actually run 100 metres in 10.24 seconds, but moves slowly so he can secretly video watching diplomats in the West Stand via a tiny pinhole-sized camera inserted in the eye of his cockerel motif.
***Birmingham have lost once at home in their last 28 games, spanning 14 months and defeated Chelsea in their last league game at St.Andrews. They are harder to crack than a walnut from the previous Christmas. A 1-1 draw was not a bad result for a Spurs team in fine form (unbeaten in six games) and with 10 injured players mumbling on the sidelines. Tottenham are one point behind last season’s tally at the same point last year (where we also sat, hawk-like, in fifth place) and our Champions League odyssey will continue in 2011. All is going according to plan, comrades.
***The Lust Doctor has sanctioned the immediate capture and torture of enemy operative Samir Nasri, in contravention of the Geneva Convention. Agents Freund and Van den Hauwe have been despatched.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday papers - THFC transfer round-up
With Barry Pigg
Blundering Brazilian keeper Heurelho Gomes is closing in on a return to old club PSV Eindhoven. Gomes left a coffee machine on two-and-a-half years ago and is desperate to go back to the Netherlands to turn off the overheated appliance.
Harry Redknapp will be unveiled as the new manager of Liverpool on Tuesday. A source said: “We’re just waiting on the delivery of a giant red curtain so we can do the unveiling justice.”
Gareth Bale/Luka Modric/Rafael Van Der Vaart has been strongly linked with a [insert lower than market price here] transfer with Manchester United. Sir Alex Ferguson has been tracking Bale/Modric/Van Der Vaart for three years, but has been waiting for the Welshman’s/Croatian's/Dutchman's price tag to escalate beyond the Red Devil’s meagre budget.
Irish striker Robbie Keane will be put on public auction on Bid.tv. “Robbie comes with a free iPod touch and a two month guarantee,” said a hopeful Bid.tv exec.
Mexican World Cup star Giovani Dos Santos is interested in a move to Chiquitos. A stickling point is Spurs' Chairman Daniel Levy’s insistence on extra chimichangas.
Coach Joe Jordan is the new face of SAGA. “We’re looking for an edgier image to represent the angry old man. Our new ad campaign features Joe wrecking a wheelchair in the style of Pete Townshend,” said a SAGA suit.
William Gallas has accidentally signed for the French Foreign Legion. “He thought it was a big money move to Qatar. We’re desperately checking the small print,” said worried agent Papa Doc Diop.
Blundering Brazilian keeper Heurelho Gomes is closing in on a return to old club PSV Eindhoven. Gomes left a coffee machine on two-and-a-half years ago and is desperate to go back to the Netherlands to turn off the overheated appliance.
Harry Redknapp will be unveiled as the new manager of Liverpool on Tuesday. A source said: “We’re just waiting on the delivery of a giant red curtain so we can do the unveiling justice.”
Gareth Bale/Luka Modric/Rafael Van Der Vaart has been strongly linked with a [insert lower than market price here] transfer with Manchester United. Sir Alex Ferguson has been tracking Bale/Modric/Van Der Vaart for three years, but has been waiting for the Welshman’s/Croatian's/Dutchman's price tag to escalate beyond the Red Devil’s meagre budget.
Irish striker Robbie Keane will be put on public auction on Bid.tv. “Robbie comes with a free iPod touch and a two month guarantee,” said a hopeful Bid.tv exec.
Mexican World Cup star Giovani Dos Santos is interested in a move to Chiquitos. A stickling point is Spurs' Chairman Daniel Levy’s insistence on extra chimichangas.
Coach Joe Jordan is the new face of SAGA. “We’re looking for an edgier image to represent the angry old man. Our new ad campaign features Joe wrecking a wheelchair in the style of Pete Townshend,” said a SAGA suit.
William Gallas has accidentally signed for the French Foreign Legion. “He thought it was a big money move to Qatar. We’re desperately checking the small print,” said worried agent Papa Doc Diop.
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