With Barry Pigg
Blundering Brazilian keeper Heurelho Gomes is closing in on a return to old club PSV Eindhoven. Gomes left a coffee machine on two-and-a-half years ago and is desperate to go back to the Netherlands to turn off the overheated appliance.
Harry Redknapp will be unveiled as the new manager of Liverpool on Tuesday. A source said: “We’re just waiting on the delivery of a giant red curtain so we can do the unveiling justice.”
Gareth Bale/Luka Modric/Rafael Van Der Vaart has been strongly linked with a [insert lower than market price here] transfer with Manchester United. Sir Alex Ferguson has been tracking Bale/Modric/Van Der Vaart for three years, but has been waiting for the Welshman’s/Croatian's/Dutchman's price tag to escalate beyond the Red Devil’s meagre budget.
Irish striker Robbie Keane will be put on public auction on Bid.tv. “Robbie comes with a free iPod touch and a two month guarantee,” said a hopeful Bid.tv exec.
Mexican World Cup star Giovani Dos Santos is interested in a move to Chiquitos. A stickling point is Spurs' Chairman Daniel Levy’s insistence on extra chimichangas.
Coach Joe Jordan is the new face of SAGA. “We’re looking for an edgier image to represent the angry old man. Our new ad campaign features Joe wrecking a wheelchair in the style of Pete Townshend,” said a SAGA suit.
William Gallas has accidentally signed for the French Foreign Legion. “He thought it was a big money move to Qatar. We’re desperately checking the small print,” said worried agent Papa Doc Diop.