Fears are growing over missing Tottenham boy Jermain Defoe. The popular lad was last seen leaving an Essex nightspot with an unknown blonde woman in the early hours of September 10th morning. He has not been seen since.
“We are very concerned over little Jermain’s whereabouts,” said Superintendant Dibble of Essex Police force. “There have been lots of sightings. Strangely, with more than one woman. The phone has been ringing off the hook. We’ve been busier than a Pakistani bookmaker. We suspect human traffickers and have contacted Interpol in case Jermain has been smuggled overseas in a small holdall or roller suitcase.
“CCTV footage has proved very helpful in this case. Two days after the first sighting Jermain was spotted with a heavy-chested brunette in a Loughton restaurant and then a slim redhead girl in a park in Romford. He was seen entering a boutique hotel near Canary Wharf with a pretty Indian lady before he dropped out of sight. His mother is absolutely hysterical.
“We believe he was abducted and escaped, only to be abducted by several different women soon afterwards,” continued Superintendent Dibble. “This is unprecedented in criminal history. We had no idea there were this many predators in the Essex and East London area.”
Defoe’s tearful mother has pleaded for her boy’s safe return. “This is so unlike Jermain. He never misses a roast on a Sunday. None of his friends recognise any of the women on the CCTV pictures. It’s horrible. Tottenham look like they will never score again without him.”
If you have any information about Jermain's whereabouts, please call 'Losing to West Ham is a crimestoppers' on 0800 555 111.
Editor’s note: The Lust Doctor will return after the Ryder Cup. He’s caddying for Tiger.