Confusion surrounds the destination of a groundbreaking new Sainsbury’s that will incorporate 200 luxury flats, a stunning hotel complex with views of an exceptional public square and a football stadium. It was initially believed that Tottenham, regarded as the halal meat capital of Europe, would host what experts have dubbed the world’s first ‘super-supermarket’; however a disused sports field in Stratford is now in the running. That’s pie and mash territory and the natives are restless.
“They’ve got no place around here,” seethed local rag and bone man Davie Gold who collects the crap no-one else wants in East London along with his faithful carthorse Sully. “Those north Londoners are tricksters, conmen. Earlier this year, I went to Iceland to pick up Eidur Gudjohnsen, but when I arrived he wasn’t there...it was just freezers of vol au vents and cheap party food. Tottenham and Sainsbury’s stitched me up.”
There were angry scenes in Stratford this morning as overweight locals in claret and blue smocks vented their frustration at Sainsbury’s spokesman Jamie Oliver inbetween bites of chocolate pepperoni pizza cake washed down by sips of liquid lard.
A visibly shocked Oliver was reduced to tears. “They don’t understand me because they don’t know why I’m here,” he weeped. “I asked a morbidly obese woman when she last had her five-a-day and she said, ‘Not since my wedding night.’ She did have a cucumber in her shopping bag though.”
A defiant Gold fired this parting shot. “West Ham are bigger than Tottenham. Our fans are all XXXLs and Size 20s. And we will never betray Lidl's frozen pizza range. Prepare for East London supermarket Jihad.”