Furious Assou-Ekotto ‘stiffed’ by Redknapp

The agent of Benoit Assou-Ekotto has blasted Harry Redknapp after the Cameroon full-back’s demotion to Tottenham’s third string side on Tuesday night.

“A transfer request is imminent,” raged Ekotto’s agent Papa Doc Diarra Diop. “Benny texted me at half-time...’I do not recognise these people. Who is number 45? I will not associate myself with bingo numbers. Stephen Hawking? Are you serious? Clearly our physios are better than I thought.’“

Sudden news of an infectious disease caused panic in the Spurs dressing room leading to disarray in the team’s makeshift defence in extra time.

“Someone told Benny he had Stipe Pletikosa and I was so concerned I rang NHS Direct immediately where they told me that was the name of a Croatian goalkeeper and not a contagious skin disease," confessed Diarra Diop. "We were relieved, but we had already conceded two penalties avoiding the virus.”

The Assou-Ekotto camp reserved praise for at least one new player.

“In fairness, Harry Redknapp’s wife Sandra put in a great shift in midfield,” admitted Diarra Diop. “She is a little manly and hairy for an African man’s taste, but you can’t argue with her workrate. She covered a lot of ground and must be exceptional with a dust pan and brush. Sandra is, as Harry says, clearly more able than Darren Bent.”

The agent revealed his player has already had two concrete offers. “Toni & Guy are interested. And Nicky Clarke has made an official enquiry, but we will have to wait until the January transfer window before the future of Benny’s incredibly versatile hair becomes clear.”

Editor’s footnote: Massive love to all the Spurs fans who stayed to the bitter end of Tuesday’s ‘reserve fixture’ and sang with such pride. Real fans, real support. You, my friends, are awesome. I love you and all you represent.