Sheikhs are great. They’ll buy anything. I’d rather purchase a six pack of rolos and drop them in the penalty area than rely on Joleon Lescott, but the Arab ATM dispensed £22 million in seriously misguided cash for a man with a head like a split watermelon.
That said, Citeh emerging from the shadow of their devilish red neighbours is a good thing for football as well as their pasty-faced supporters (have you ever gone to Eastlands? It’s like an albino convention). The cosy four-club cartel was splintered in May by Spurs' Champion’s League heroics and at least Citeh this season should ensure this ghastly monopoly is consigned to the past. If Sky make any further tedious ‘Big Four’ references, you have my permission to head to their Osterley HQ armed with pitchforks and flaming torches.
Citeh, meanwhile, continue to buy without checking the terms and conditions. They purchased Wayne Bridge to provide a vital crossing over the Dubai River only to discover that the ‘Grade 1 listed brickwork’ was, in fact, a pedestrian left back who can’t hold the attention of a French lingerie model.
The sheikhs fancied a new yacht and accidentally ended up with a Boateng. They booked a luxury cruise and bought an injury prone Paraguayan. The gifted Moby/Stephen Ireland can barely get a game. Oh Lordy. So if you have a nifty pyramid scheme in the works...head to Manchester with a glossy media pack and a powerpoint presentation. These guys know a good deal when they see one.
“Hi Sheikh, yeah, it’s super-agent Willie McKay. Thanks for bringing French World Cup star Pascal Chimbonda to his boyhood club. You know ‘Gentle Ben’ Alnwick is available for only £5 million. You’ve never heard of him? He was Tottenham’s starting goalkeeper at the end of last season. 100% record. Ask anyone in the game...Peter Ridsdale...Mike Ashley...er, Sarah Ferguson....just don’t play the boy at Burnley.”